Nick Moutvic

Today marks the 25th anniversary of Practical Magic, which blew into theaters on Oct. 16, 1998, adapted from Alice Hoffman’s 1995 novel of the same name. At the time Roger Ebert called it “too scary for children and too childish for adults,” accusing the film of “veering uncertainty from horror to laughs to romance.” Angie Errigo wrote for Empire that “Practical Magic is a chick movie with multiple personality disorder.” The good news: criticisms are subjective—and 20 years later, the film has cemented itself as a cult classic for a generation that understands that men are usually the worst.

After Sally accidentally kills Gillian’s abusive boyfriend, the Owens sisters set about resurrecting him, killing him again, and finally burying him in the backyard. This action has several consequences, including the psycho-bae’s return as a vengeful ghost, and the arrival of a dreamy lawman. While it’s usually best to suspend disbelief and not dwell on the details of films that ABCfamily—sorry, I mean Freeform—plays on repeat for an entire season, several instances of Practical Magic demand comment.

“He’ll have one green eye and one blue…”

When Sally is describing her ideal breeding mate as a child, she mentions that he will have one blue-eye and one green-eye. When Quinn makes his flirtatious arrival, anyone who’s ever seen a movie will, of course, check out his eyes—eyes that are clearly both blue until it’s convenient for them not to be later in the movie.

“Hopefully one day she’ll find a guy that goes through her.” Wtf???

Stockard Channing has no chill, but also, foreshadowing much? P.S., in this scene there is a couple riding around in a horse-drawn carriage. Are horse-drawn carriages in high demand in a seaside town of 100 people?

Why is this the only movie that plays Faith Hill’s “This Kiss” during a kissing scene?

They should make a law that every movie has to do this. This movie also has one of the best soundtracks you’ve never heard anyone talk about, full of witchy women. We need to stop letting cishet, white dudes decide what’s art.

What’s with the impromptu triathlon that no one in the town knew about?

And why are the triathletes so nonchalant about almost killing everyone???

The husband was murdered.

Guys, the driver drove straight into him. No swerving, no speeding. He just murdered him (and his produce). Why isn't this ever discussed?

Everything about Sally and Gillian hanging out by the fireplace.

So like, are the sisters even together? Is it a telepathy thing? Would Nicole Kidman's astral projection really need an ashtray? If it is magic, why do they write letters and call each other on the phone all the time if they could just magic convo whenever they feel like it? I mean, you’d save so much on postage alone.

That being said…

Where is Gillian anyway?

Okay, so after maybe kind of hanging out by the fireplace, Sally wakes up alone. Sometime later, Gillian calls Sally to come get her. Sally jumps on a plane to go rescue her in the middle of the night, but then they decide to drive back from wherever they are. They then murder the Bulgarian while en route, bring him back to life, murder him again, and bury the body, all before morning. I can't even handle running more than two errands on a Saturday.

Meanwhile, the entire spell to bring this guy back hinders on Nicole Kidman’s ability to roll her Rs.

I took spanish for four years and I still can’t do this.

“Did I do something wrong?”

Yes, you made her kill your abusive boyfriend. Twice.

Sally created a product for guys with the express purpose of giving men hairy dicks.

Think about that for a minute—a long minute. How on earth is her store still in business?

“Since when is being a slut a crime in this family.”

Don't worry... We've all been poisoned by evil tequila that turned us into a different person.

American Horror Story: Phone Tree Coven

We have got to talk about how unhinged the moms in this town are. When Nicole uses her signature bitchcraft to magically make Sally first on this communist phone tree, they had been working their way up the list from the bottom. Meaning she wasn’t even on the tree (nor were the other 15 women in the room, on a tree that had 7 spots). So, if you don’t make it on the phone tree your kids just have to show up like an idiot on a snow day or something? I think the PTA might be more evil than the murderous ghost the sisters are dealing with.

All that being said, Practical Magic is still one of my favorite movies, mostly because it’s a horror movie about an arrogant, straight, white man getting exactly what he deserves.